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Slippery when wet

Written by "Handsome" Danny Jacobs

Jul 08, 2010 at 06:51 PM

Did you hear the news? “Handsome” Danny’s favourite band, Bon Jovi is coming to town!

Keeping that exciting news in mind, I thought I’d offer up some of the latest IPW gossip but forgive me if I get distracted and think of my fav New Jersey rockers as I bring you some unique insight into what’s happening in the land of IPW.

One of the greatest tracks ever to me is “Living On a Prayer” and I’m certain PANATA are putting their hands together right now, praying that they survive their upcoming Street Fight with “The Professional” Joseph Kinkade and Mischa Ivanoff.

Talk in the locker room is that Pirate Burns and Liam Fury may have backed themselves into a corner on this one, I’m not sure if they know just how dangerous Kinkade and Ivanoff can be. At one of my exclusive invite-only summer BBQ Handsome fests, Mr Kinkade butchered an entire lambs carcass in preparation for grilling, and he didn’t use a knife. Ever seen a man from the country of kings eat an entire lamb? I did this one time and it was spectacular.

Pirate Burns? Pfft. Chinese Burns hurt WAY more.

You’re living on a prayer if you think you can defeat Kinkade and Ivanoff, PANATA. Best you take that rope you use for a belt Burns, tie Fury’s hands together, then your own and try and do that stupid slap hands thing you two idiots do.

What’s that? Impossible you say? Well at least you know what impossible is now. Beating The Professional Standard at Breakdown will be just that. Impossible.

In other news, I was at the IPW home office this past week signing some merchandise. Actually, just on that, they should pay somebody to do that for me. I hate signing merch, I’ve got more important things to do. I’m sure they could find somebody who needs the cash, King Kapisi for instance… I’m sure whatever he’s doing right now is unimpressive and boring.

But yes, anyway, I was signing some things and I happened to cast my eyes across to A-Class who was standing in the hall. Now, clearly, he was not there to sign posters because nobody buys his crap, so I began to head over to question why he was there intruding on my eye line, when I saw IPW Champion Reuben de Jong enter the building. I returned to the other room.

What? I had merch to sign! I love signing merch.

I did see a big puddle of what I hope was water on the floor where A-Class was standing later on though. Careful, that’s slippery when wet.

And finally, how many Bon Jovi albums do you think Lil T owns? The answer is zero. He stole them all.

Until next time, remember to never back down! Tommy and Gina never did.

Reflect on that.

Handsome.